Day 1: Awake and medicated again.

I have been trying to be ok for a long time. I got off of the medicine that didn't help. Today is day 1 of my new medicine. I am hopeful, but also cautious. So far I haven't slept, but that is possibly due to a meddling coworker who thinks that I am now her project, someone to help to gain self confidence.

On not being your best

I am fighting losing battles lately: with my best friends who are getting sick of me for good reasons, with my emotions which overwhelm and get the best of me, with my house which is so very messy and leaves me unsure of where to even start, with myself when I can't figure out how to sleep like a normal human.

Lately, I don't feel like I can be strong. I don't know how to go about being a better me and I don't really care about anything enough to work on it on my own. With everything else, I know that if it continues, I will be on my own. As much as rock bottom would probably be a wakeup call, I also know that if it came down to it, I would make rock bottom my home rather than fight being a second rate version of me. I am not this person, and I can't find the energy to care enough to change it, to fight for myself.

I'm so tired. I'm tired of being not enough, or being too much to handle. I am tired of my problems and the fights.

I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of not being anyone's first choice. I'm so very tired of being a backup plan, a fallback for when things don't work out with the intended chick.

I'm tired of being brushed off, like my thoughts and opinions don't matter, and everything I say is an excuse. I'm tired of being told I'm making the minimum effort.

I'm tired of fighting with the people I love in the hopes that they won't leave me alone like everyone else, and I'm tired of knowing that I am the cause in this. I'm tired of everything, and yet I keep on trying, even if it is only what is seen as the minimum effort. I keep trying because I don't want to be done, but it is difficult to motivate myself. I don't like how I feel daily. I don't like that I am used to on occasion feeling like I'm too big for my skin, like I'm going to explode, like everyone around me hates me and thinks I'm crazy.

I'm tired of feeling like I might actually be crazy.

The lies we tell to hide the pain

I can't stop crying. I made a choice to try to stop being such a raging bitch, and I feel like all it has accomplished is pushed him further away, even though all he ever does is tell me how happy it would make him if I had a person, someone to keep him off my mind. Yet every single damn time I do something towards that end, he gets upset, or he gets quiet and decides that he is out of the game for good. I hate this, because I can't win for losing. What I got in response to a distraction to make things easier, was he was done with the whole, just looking for sex, thing, but it was cool that that was where I am, in a judgemental voice he saves for when he disapproves of a choice I made.

I don't understand why he won't just realize that I would be done with it too if he would only just look at me as an option, rather than as a guy. If I had a chance, I would be his, just his, no worry about sex from other people, because if I had that from him, what would I need other guys for?

I know that he is my person, my one, and as much as it pains me to say, he is who I judge other guys against, and I haven't met a single person who comes even close. The closest is my first love, the one who looked at me like I was the sun and moon and all the stars even when I was a complete and total bitch, and while it is fun to keep him on a hook for later in case he ever gets sick of Columbus, it is not likely that he will be back to sweep me off of my feet, and even if he did, the main problem with him is that he is far too submissive a person for me, and I don't deal well with puppies long term.

It is just unfair. He talks about how he wants to have a family one day, how his next girlfriend is going to be the one he marries, or at least a very serious thing, but I will never get a shot because...... well there are a multitude of reasons that have been given, and even asking for a reason now just comes to a promise to leave if the conversation continues. Why the hell am I not good enough, when I am there for him for anything? I have shown that there is no part of him that is too much for me to deal with, there is nothing that I wouldn't do to be there for him and with him. I have been there when he was at the bottom, when he was working his way up, and now I am trying to work on me so that I can be better, not only for me, but so that maybe, one day, I will get to be really happy too.

I'm just so very tired of not being good enough, of not being wanted. I'm so tired of not having a shot because of whatever the reason is this week, whether it is because of not feeling that way, or not wanting to ruin our friendship, or not wanting to lose his best "guy" friend.......I just want a shot, and I know that I will not get it. So every day, my heart breaks a little more, and I suck it up, because that is what we do, and I get bitter and angry and spiteful, because it feels like I am breaking my heart when I try to have something, even just something physical, with anyone else. Trying to find happiness eats at my insides, because I have a person, even if he refuses to see it. So instead, I just stay away from others, until I get too attached to him again and it starts to cause problems, and then I have to break my heart a bit more, have to kill my soul a little more. So instead of looking for people who might have potential, I stick with the people I know do not. I stick with the people who are too clingy, or too flaky, or just in general not a good match, because I don't want to find someone else who can break my heart so badly without doing anything.

I don't want to risk opening myself up to more heartache, when I have all I can bear right now. And I know that I need to let him go, but that will hurt so much worse, and I'm not strong enough yet. I just..... don't know what to do, because there is no way in hell I can let him see this, and there is no way in hell we can talk about it because every time we do, he just gets mad and threatens to leave, and as unfair as it is, as selfish as it is, I don't think that I could make it without him here. I would stop remembering that food and sleep and showering is necessary, and I would stop caring about me. He is my rock, and I know that isn't fair to put on him, not even a little. But as much as I try, I just have a really hard time being strong without him. He has left twice in 2 years, and both times, I stopped taking care of me. I didn't intend to, I just didn't think about it. I didn't have anyone to take care of, so I didn't care.

None of this is fair, and none of it is simple and there is just nothing that I can do to make it ok.

Lonely thoughts club

I am not alone. I am not. But I am essentially. I've been in love with someone for 3 years who will not try. I have gone on a few dates with a guy who lives an hour away. I haven't had sex since Thanksgiving, which we ignore having happened. I am lonely. I am horny. I need skin contact.

All of this is pointless because I will not be able to change this. I can't sleep well, because I wake up not breathing, or with a panic attack. I try to not let it bother me. I try not to bother my friends with it. I just am tired of pretending to be ok. It is starting to fail and piss off the people who spend the most time with me.

This month off has been hard and full of too many thoughts. I'm tired of all or nothing love, and painful feelings. It would be great if I could stop feeling.