Boundaries

Boundaries.

Yes, there are times that they make sense.

HOWEVER, when your only explanation for giving boundaries is that you don't want awkwardness, it doesn't make a damn bit of sense.

It is only awkward if you think it is, considering that I don't. You're the one who doesn't want feelings getting in the way. I can't think of another way that feelings won't be an issue.

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There are days I want to run away, just say fuck all of this, and start off somewhere completely new, as someone completely different. But I can't, because I know that I have too many people relying on me for that to be a thing.

And I have a love that I couldn't run away from if I tried, not that that matters.

I would follow him anywhere, and he would hate me for it.

"I've been the strong one for so long,
but I was wrong,
It doesn't make you weak if you're needing someone I'm not holding back
I know what I want.
I am beautiful with you.
I am beautiful with you.
You want me for myself.
You get me like no one else.
I am beautiful with you."

                                                                             Beautiful with you by Halestorm

On being the dependable friend

I haven't always been the dependable friend. I used to flake out all the time, and I would change my mind oftentimes at the last minute, while I was on my way still deciding if I wanted to go.

Now I have a lot of people who are depending on me: my best friend depends on me to get him to work, a few friends getting married depend on me to help make sure things go as planned....all this plus work responsibilities, and family requirements. There is a lot of work that goes into those things, and doing those things for people changes how I can schedule my days. It makes it hard for me to have my random days off, where I just get in the car and go. It makes it hard to make plans, because I have set things that I have to do each week, and I can't just blow those things off.

I'm not saying this is a bad thing, or that I resent it happening. What I am saying is that I have a sort of structure and stability in my life for the first time in a really long time, and that takes some getting used to.

Loverly

I am in love with a man who is too afraid to try, because he cant bear to lose me, a man who doesnt seem to comprehend that the more he pushes away, the more likely it is that I am going to stay away, as much as it will hurt. I love him, and I would follow him to the ends of the earth and beyond, as much as that hurts. He told me that was the dumbest thing I had ever said. He looked so hurt that I had said it, like the idea hurt him to the core. I want nothing more than to be with him, near to him. The fact that he hates that burns me deeply, makes me want to cry daily.

Because some things aren't meant for others.

This is my area that isn't meant for him. I don't know that he will be able to find it, but knowing my luck, he will. I'm going to use it for things I don't think he needs to know at the moment anyway.