On not being your best

I am fighting losing battles lately: with my best friends who are getting sick of me for good reasons, with my emotions which overwhelm and get the best of me, with my house which is so very messy and leaves me unsure of where to even start, with myself when I can't figure out how to sleep like a normal human.

Lately, I don't feel like I can be strong. I don't know how to go about being a better me and I don't really care about anything enough to work on it on my own. With everything else, I know that if it continues, I will be on my own. As much as rock bottom would probably be a wakeup call, I also know that if it came down to it, I would make rock bottom my home rather than fight being a second rate version of me. I am not this person, and I can't find the energy to care enough to change it, to fight for myself.

I'm so tired. I'm tired of being not enough, or being too much to handle. I am tired of my problems and the fights.

I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of not being anyone's first choice. I'm so very tired of being a backup plan, a fallback for when things don't work out with the intended chick.

I'm tired of being brushed off, like my thoughts and opinions don't matter, and everything I say is an excuse. I'm tired of being told I'm making the minimum effort.

I'm tired of fighting with the people I love in the hopes that they won't leave me alone like everyone else, and I'm tired of knowing that I am the cause in this. I'm tired of everything, and yet I keep on trying, even if it is only what is seen as the minimum effort. I keep trying because I don't want to be done, but it is difficult to motivate myself. I don't like how I feel daily. I don't like that I am used to on occasion feeling like I'm too big for my skin, like I'm going to explode, like everyone around me hates me and thinks I'm crazy.

I'm tired of feeling like I might actually be crazy.